Letting Go: The Path to Liberation

“Letting go gives us freedom, and freedom is the only condition for happiness. If, in our heart, we still cling to anything - anger, anxiety, or possessions - we cannot be free.” — Thich Nhat Hanh, The Heart of the Buddha’s Teaching

The Moment of Realization

There are moments in life when a single phrase pierces through the noise, offering clarity amidst chaos. For me, during a particularly tumultuous period in my marriage, such a moment arrived. My ex-wife and I had found ourselves ensnared in recurring conflicts, each argument leaving a deeper chasm and pain between us. In the rough uncertainty of one such disconnection, as we retreated to separate rooms, a phrase flowed through my mind and heart. I still don't know to this day whether I read or heard this somewhere else or the universe simply blessed me that day as what flowed through my heart was:

“Letting go is an act of liberation, not one of sacrifice.”

At that time, my ex and I were engaged in couples therapy rooted in the Gottman Method, which emphasizes the importance of self-soothing during heightened emotional states (Gottman & Silver, 1999). While the approach was beautiful and beneficial (I highly advocate for it!), I had begun to feel that the responsibility of reconciliation, of coming back together and repairing, always fell upon me. Each time I attempted to bridge the divide, it felt less like an act of love and more like self-sacrifice.

What took me until this moment of being blessed by the invitation to let go to realize was that this mindset was quietly, surreptitiously, and subtly fostering resentment - hardening my heart and distorting my intentions. I had constructed a narrative of right and wrong, positioning myself as the perpetual peacemaker. (This is a perfect representation of Karpman's Drama Triangle by the way: dancing from victim to persecutor to rescuer all in one argument! ... I'll dive deeper into this in a separate article, but suffice it to say, everyone should know about it.)

But in making myself righteous in my attempts to bring us back together, I failed to recognize that they were not genuine acts of letting go; they were veiled efforts to control the outcome. Was it beautiful that the outcome I wanted was to reconnect with the person I loved? Yes. Is that a worthy intention? Absolutely. But holding onto my anger and reaching from control and indignation rather than letting go into love was creating deeper pain and resentment than what was living at the surface in the moment. Which is better?

The realization that true letting go is an act of liberation was transformative. It meant releasing not just the immediate anger or hurt but also the stories and identities I had clung to. It was about embracing the present moment without the weight of past grievances or future expectations.

That phrase let me set down my anger and feel my own quietly suffering heart. It let me fall awake into the tenderness that I desperately needed from myself, hold my own pain, and recognize with softness how love was calling me to the same action from a different intention. Walking gently toward the bedroom where my ex-wife had stowed herself, I felt peace. I felt love. I felt genuine hope and spaciousness. It was wildly healing. And meeting her from that space was much more simple than from one that needed her to respond in kind. I could let her still be angry and hurting. I could hold her because I was now, truly, holding myself.

Letting go as an act of liberation has changed my heart from the inside out. Though I still get caught up in the heat and emotions of a moment, as soon as I fall back into awareness, letting go is there to hold to me, and softness returns.

The truth is that emotional suffering doesn't just reside in the mind; it manifests in the body. Chronic anger and resentment can lead to physical symptoms such as tension headaches, muscle tightness, and even cardiovascular issues. Research indicates that prolonged emotional stress can increase the risk of heart disease and other health problems (Hanh, 2001).

Thich Nhat Hanh eloquently illustrates this connection:

“When you say something really unkind, when you do something in retaliation, your anger increases. You make the other person suffer, and he will try hard to say or to do something back to get relief from his suffering. That is how conflict escalates.” (Hanh, 2001)

By holding onto anger, we perpetuate a cycle of suffering that affects both our emotional well-being and physical health. Letting go, therefore, becomes a means of healing, allowing us to release the tension and pain that have taken root in our bodies - to come back into contact with our own bodies, hearts, and minds and to authentically seek reconciliation, connection, and healing with others.

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Spiritual Traditions and the Essence of Letting Go

In many spiritual traditions, letting go is synonymous with surrendering the ego and embracing a state of being: falling awake into the ego-less awareness that is all of our homes. It's about relinquishing control and allowing life to unfold as it will. As Penney Peirce notes:

“Letting go is not about sacrifice, nor does it breed lazy inactivity; it's simply a return to Being.” (Peirce, 2009)

This return to being is not passive; it's an energetic engagement with the present moment - free from the constraints of past narratives and future anxieties. It's about opening yourself to the flow of life, trusting that you are supported and guided, and that though you may not see the outcome or what lies ahead, you can fundamentally trust your own presence to be there with you no matter what is to come.

In this space of authenticity, when you are no longer performing or clinging to fixed ideas of yourself, you meet not only your own tenderness, but also your capacity for real, embodied joy. Presence liberates you from needing things to go a particular way. And when you are not attached to outcomes, you can meet others, and life itself, with resilience and grace.

When you let go, you are freed to show up. To choose not from pain, but from clarity. Not from defense, but from openness and connection.

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Liberation in Letting Go

Letting go is not about giving up; it's about gaining freedom. It's the liberation from the physical pain of emotional suffering, the freedom from reactive patterns, and the opening into authenticity and presence.

As Thich Nhat Hanh reminds us:

“Letting go gives us freedom, and freedom is the only condition for happiness.” (Hanh, 1998)

In embracing the art of letting go, you open yourself to the fullness of life: its joys, its sorrows, and its infinite possibilities, and this is the true beauty of being human. This is the richness in the raw.

My heart is beating with a little more aliveness as I type these words.

May we all discover the power, the beauty, and the freedom in letting go. May we all be free. May we all live in love and peace.

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References:

• Peirce, P. (2009). Frequency: The Power of Personal Vibration. Atria Books.

• Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown Publishing Group.

• Hanh, T. N. (1998). The Heart of the Buddha’s Teaching. Broadway Books.

• Hanh, T. N. (2001). Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames. Riverhead Books.